Some Folks Shouldn't Wear Spandex
• Thoughts of an Average Joe
Jun 25, 2010 – There ought to be a law regulating who can wear Spandex or Lycra or, for that matter, bikinis, Speedos, crop-tops, or short shorts of any material. Heavy people shouldn't be allowed to wear that stuff. If you don't weigh at least 25 pounds less than I do, (40 pounds for you ladies), you shouldn't be parading yourself around in a pair of those stretchy bicycling shorts. It ain't pretty and it ain't appreciated.
You could incite a small earthquake, caused by the collective full-body shivers of those you pass on the street. I know, some of you will insist that you need those biker shorts for the padding they provide to soften your ride. Well, please, just Velcro some foam rubber into a pair of baggy shorts and call it good. You're obviously not riding marathons anyway. You can make it down to Dunkin' Donuts and back without those special shorts.
I can't imagine what possesses heavy folks to wear clothing that is too tight, too skimpy, or too revealing. All I can figure is they either own no mirrors, or have really messed up eyesight. Otherwise, noone would leave home looking like so many people I see at the Smalltown SmallMart or Old Orchard Beach.
Last year, the little woman gave me a three month membership to the Smalltown House of Fitness where she's been a member for years. She said she thought it would give me something to during the long winter months. The truth is: she thinks I'm too fat.
On our first visit to the gym, I wore my baggy cotton sweatpants and a Cabela's sweatshirt. Winnie wore a similar outfit. Angie, the cute, little, 22 year-old aerobics instructor, wore a tight, bright pink, stretchy workout outfit and looked good in it.
At our second session, Monique Belanger, a mean-spirited busy body, wore the same outfit as Angie. Let me go on record as saying that Monique is twice the woman Angie is . . . in both age and body mass. She apparently has a gift for seeing the worst in others and a self image so distorted that she sees herself as looking like Wonder Woman in an outfit that, in fact, makes her resemble the Michelin Man.
So, like I said, there ought to be a law: to buy certain apparel items you should have to show an I.D. If you're over 40, no Spandex, Lycra, crop-tops, or short shorts for you. If you are under 40, you step on one of those new scales that sends electronic waves up through your body and determines your BFI (body fat index). If you're over the limit, do the world a favor and go back and trade in the Spandex stretch pants for a loose fitting cotton work-out outfit. And no crop-tops either. I don't care who you are, I don't want to see your muffin top hanging out over your undersized jeans. And that goes for you girls, too!
And fellas, I don't care if the mercury is about to blow the top off the thermometer; if you're not in a whole lot better shape than I am, for crying out loud, keep your shirt on! You could be harpooned at the beach.
Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against oversized people. Heck, I'm one of them! Just do us all a favor. If you have a lot of junk in the trunk, hide it—it's not a treasure to be shared with others.
